And yet, I'm still feeling good in spite of this looming over me.  How is that possible?

Currently Listening Daisies of the Galaxy By Eels see related

<sigh>

I don't really know what I want anymore.  Its kind of like my entire life has been leading up to what will occur in the next year, and this coming year will determine the rest of my life.  Which is true, the results of the match are in 10 months and 3 days.  I can't believe I just figured that out.  And of course my life has been leading up to the next year, time is linear.... right?  Well ok maybe not, thats a metaphysical discussion for another time.  I guess I have felt like this before, about two years ago when I was contemplating whether or not I really belonged in med school.  But now its different, now its about the rest of my life, and not so much about my career, that's pretty much set.  My career suddenly is seeming so much less important.  I didn't think that a simple question, such as "where should I live" could stir up such turmoil in me, I thought that was over.  But its become this mammoth problem in my mind, so huge that I'm starting to have trouble paying attention to conversations because I'm withdrawing into my mind and focusing and obsessing about it.  Just sitting here now and thinking about it makes me want to puke. 

Currently Reading Lunar Park By Bret Easton Ellis see related

Again, haven't been back here in a while...

There was a time in my life when I felt like I was leading a double life...  For some reason, that feeling has been creeping back slowly, and its exciting.  I can't imagine just doing one thing for the rest of my life.  So I'm not going to do that....

I've been feeling kind of distant from my classmates recently -- its not like I was really that close with a lot of them, its just that recently I've been more contemplative recently than I was during the past couple of months.  I'm kind of just content to sit back and watch or listen rather than partake in whatever it is they're talking about.  Mostly gossip and school.  It kind of feels like I'm back in high school or some of college, being the odd man out.  Am I regressing?  Or is this just my natural state?  Have I been trying to unconsciously put up a facade?  Maybe semiconsciously?

Anyway, I've been thinking about closing this thing out and moving to mySpace, I hear its better.  Grass is always greener...

Currently Reading Saturday By Ian McEwan see related

Its unfortunate that I don't have a chance to sit down and reflect what goes on in my mind often enough.  Its even more unfortunate that my thoughts race so quickly, and in such a disorganized fashion, that even if I were to somehow jot them down, they still wouldn't make much sense.  While I'm having the thoughts, they make sense to me, but the connections I seem to make are so ephemeral that reflection upon them later just makes me seem like a jabbering idiot.  Like right now.  I guess i could make an effort though...

I was walking back from the east village today, listening to some Bush (yes, that band, that album) when I walked past a bum on the street.  No big deal, it happens about every 30 seconds or so normally.  But this time was different.  Because I recognized him.  His lips were pursed, his cheeks sunken, he sat on the freezing cold ground and stared blankly at the other side of the street.  And then those weather beaten contours of his face became familiar, I had seen them in a much different setting.  It wasn't a moment of great emotion or clarity or some such life changing moment, but it was important because as I passed him I thought to myself, "I know this man's story." And being able to place him made me realize that this chronic alcoholic guy begging for change on the street was able to teach me something, because -- as it should be-- when he walks into the hospital I treat him the same as the guy who is waiting for nursing home placement, but can't get it from medicaid because he has too much money in the bank.  I walked past him, as he shook his beaten dunkin donuts styrofoam cup at me, the coins denting the inside, thinning the walls.  Any other day, any other person, I would have just kept walking.  He turned and raised his eyes to meet mine, and I'm sure my eyes reflected that moment of clarity and recognition.  His, however, reflected only need, for food, for alcohol, for drugs, I don't know.  But I kept walking.

If I were a musical accent, I'd probably be a staccato. 

Currently Listening Takk... By Sigur Rós see related

Lotta shit happening these past few months.  Its kind of absurd, really.  Too much to write about, too much to think about.  Too much work to stop and reflect.  Life has turned upside down, sideways, gotten shaken about like those snow globes, and has started settling back down.  I think.  I'm still a bit dizzy.

School has been kind of amazing, kind of frightening, and very exciting.  I've seen life and death, delivered a baby, been called a hero by a patient, helped during a code, witnessed amazing acts of kindness, seen terrible acts of negligence, heard both apathy and sympathy, both survived under pressure and cracked under pressure, and seen others survive and crack, both my peers and my superiors. 

I'm just awestruck at times.  I hope that never stops.